Harry Potter and the Vampire Slayer
by Caitlin-and-Emily
Summary: The long awaited parody of the 5th Harry Potter movie. It's here, you should read it, & then review. Because we say so. It's completely random & has no plot, so if you're looking for that, just give up now. Read & review.....now. For serious. For Sirius.


Hola.The long awaited, Harry Potter 5 parody is here. You can all relax now.

**Disclaimer:**

**Things of that which we do not own:** Harry Potter, Shakira, The Third Reich, The Beatles, "All You Need is Love", Mexicans, acid, crack, The OC, Superman, colons, The Magic Stick song, Twister, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, TV-14, bling, porn, Jacko, that one African movie, Hugh Hefner, teen angst, the words 'slowly' and 'egads', Lucky Charms Cereal, the Lucky Charms man- Lucky, Leprechaun Rabies, childhoods, the Y chromosome, the Real World, Al Sharpton, Pamela Anderson, Catholics, Law and Order, the word 'salty', Falph Riennes, the Black Market, God, he-she's, the Icecapades, size 2 font, Family Guy, Amsterdam, Snarry fanfictions, Snarry fans, plastic trench coats, appartment buildings, Prozac commercials, horizontal stripes, PETA, child molesters, Remember the Titans, Mrs. Doubtfire, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, the YMCA, the 4th of July, England...wait...actually we did, 1776, look it up, we owned England, Lifetime movies (especially the ones where a girl gets a roofie and passes out), roofies themselves, catapulting teacups, and Shakespeare (especially Hamlet).

**Things we actually do own:** our Harry Potter 4 parody, magical-pirates, and our freeeeeeeeedom!!!!

Alas...the thing. Read it.

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**Harry Potter and the Vampire Slayer **

The world is overpopulated. And apparently cornfields are growing rampant across England. And this park is creepy as hell.

Oh and by the by, Dudley is now black and wears copious amounts of bling. He is also fat. This is not a new development.

Harry's got the magic stick (there are more words, but I don't know what they are).

Insert any scene whatsoever from _Twister_.

So even though they are basically in the middle of nowhere, there is some random underpass. Harry and Fattie go down there and there is a dementor. Because obviously dementors hide in inappropriately placed underpasses.

We just realized that we have yet to reference _Buffy the Vampire Slayer _in any of our parodies. So…

Egads! Suddenly Buffy the Vampire Slayer in all her TV-14 primetime, basic cable glory emerges out of the hazy, ominous sky. She has a crossbow. Because, you know, that's what vampire slayers carry around and who the hell are you to argue with us? Do you know any vampire slayers? Yeah, you don't. And because dementors are basically the retarded cousins of vampires, they can clearly be killed with crossbows. Clearly.

Harry Potter does not contribute to the defeat of the dementors whatsoever. His streak of being completely useless continues for the fifth year in a row. Bravo, Harry Potter, Bravo.

Dudley sort of looks like he just spent the night at Michael Jackson's house.

And Mrs. Figg shows up. She is secretely Buffy the Vampire Slayer. You know what's going on under that plastic trench coat. Her bod's totally rockin'.

Mrs. Figg is for some reason under the impression that Harry Potter is intelligent. This is a stupid conclusion because Harry Potter has never done anything that would convey the message that he put a lot of time and intense thought into anything whatsoever. I mean all he likes to do is chase a flying gold ball on a broomstick. And he doesn't even do that anymore because the producers cut it out of the movie because it was totally unimportant and just sort of a colossal waste of time.

And Mrs. Dursley is watching porn. And Caitlin saw her naked in a movie once. Something about how there is a moon in Africa or whatever. She says it was good, which probably means it sucks. But you should go rent it.

Mr. Dursley is wearing socks with sandals inside of his house. And he's definitely still fat. Like oh my god. Fat with an F. A capital F. Not a Ph. Oh, and we're fairly certain he has a lazy eye and is currently accusing Harry Potter of child molestation. For once, someone can sympathize with Jacko.

Harry Potter is expelled. Justice is served with a side misplaced teenage angst.

Does anyone else think that Mrs. Dursley's dress was a little inappropriate?

Remember when Harry Potter's hair was basically awesome? It was around the time when he was being gay with Cedric. Yeah, it's definitely not that sweet anymore.

Flashback!

_Cedric: Dude-_

_Wormtail kills Cedric._

_Harry: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! HIS LAST WORD CAN'T BE DUDE!!!!!!!! THAT'S AGAINST THE RULES!!!!!!!!! YOU CHEATED!!!!!! CHEATER, CHEATER, PUMKIN EATER!!!!!!!!!!! (We definitely just realized that "pumpkin" is spelled wrong, but we're not going to fix it for continuity concerns)_

End Flashback!

(Actual Conversation:

Kelsey: Should the flashback be in italics to make it more dramatic?

Caitlin: Yeah, that'll make it more flashback-y

Clearly, we put it in italics)

From his small, untidy bed, Harry Potter somberly gazes out his dirty window. The world is blurry through his eyes, his glasses strewn haphazardly across his nightstand. His room is as still as the hot summer night outside. From the hallway, a soft click slowly penetrates the calm air. The hair on Harry's neck slowly pricks up. The lock slowly begins to turn, the creaks and squeals of the old metal slowly ringing through the air. The handle slowly slowly turns to a vertical position. Slowly, the door slowly creaks open. Slowly. The light slowly spreads across the floor and a foot slowly steps into the room. And slowly Harry Potter begins reaches for his wand and slowly thinks, "what the hell is going on?" And slowly, the shadow of a small, slow man appears.

Egads! It's Lucky of Lucky Charms (some sort of copyright disclaimer) fame.

Lucky: You're magically delicious!

As it turns out, Lucky contracted rabies from one of Hagrid's weird pet things. So the rapid leprechaun proceeds to jump on Harry, bite a chunk out of his neck fat and jumps out of the window still screaming and foaming at the mouth.

Ruining childhoods since right now.

So to deal with this outbreak of leprechaun rabies, the Order of the Phoenix is formed. Contrary to popular belief, the Order really has nothing to do with Voldemort whatsoever. They just want to rid the world of Leprechaun Rabies. It's sort of how Al Gore wants to get rid of Republicans and how Bono just wants to fix life. Anyway, the Order is dispatched to Little Winging to save Harry Potter. And obviously the only cure for Leprechaun Rabies is a drawn-out jaunt around England on a broomstick. Appropriate background music improves the effect of the treatment.

Do you know where the super-secret Order hideout is? It's in an apartment building. They basically had to make that as anticlimactic as magically possible.

Has anyone else noticed that Mrs. Weasley's boobs get bigger in every single movie? By movie 7, Pamela Anderson's even gonna be like "damn." And if she was a superhero, her special power would be beating people to death with her boobs.

Harry Potter really doesn't have to worry about being eaten by Voldemort because Hermione has made it her goal in life to kill him first. Her totally brilliant plan is that Voldemort can't eat Harry if her hair suffocates him first. This logic is infallible.

And I want to see what was happening in this room 10 seconds before the cameras showed. Because I've seen the Real World, and I know what happens when they think the cameras aren't there.

Harry Potter is short. Like even elves think he's short. Asians are like, "what the fook?"

What is with the horizontal stripes? On everyone? Except for Fred and George. Who are wearing vertical stripes and are also basically gorgeous.

This part of the movie is full of teen angst. It's like that part of those Prozac commercials before they all take drugs and get happy.

Once more, we feel obliged to inform you that Hermione's cat is in fact hideous. And enjoys eating fake ears.

Sirius is the most beautiful man in the history of the Y chromosome. Lupin is a close second (except in this movie, where he is clearly being infected by Hurry's addiction to uselessness). And then Fred and George. And Dumbledore.

Why is there some random African here? This was not meant to be racist, but it definitely sounds racist. Like Al Sharp-ton would be pissed. But we have a black friend and she said it was okay.

Mr. Wesley has built flying cars but escalators are just way over the top. I mean, staircases that move? OMG!

And Mr. Wesley is also Superman. Just fyi.

The ministry of magic is weird and also strangely similar to the Third Reich and also full of ugly people.

Lucius is kind of sexy right here. The pope or whatever Catholic dude he's talking to is not so sexy, but he has a sweet hat so I guess it's okay.

For some reason, there is a trial going on. And Dumbledore shows up three hours early, like he always does. Harry Potter is being blamed for doing nothing and letting the damn Vampire Slayers get all the attention.

Caitlin is choking to death. Kelsey is ignoring her completely.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer shows up again and basically screws Harry Potter over some more.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Yeah, I kicked them dementors in the buttocks and then was all like "peace out homies! I gots some more slaying to do!"

After graduating from Hogwarts, Dumbledore went to Harvard and became a lawyer. And then he was Law and Order, but his awesomeness couldn't be contained to prime time.

Harry Potter got denied! DENIED!!!!!!!!!! Salty!!!! He's basically like a salt truck, no a salt giant barge.

But he gets to go to school and that makes him happy so whatever.

Now we get to look at Sirius for a while and completely ignore all the background information he is providing that would probably help me understand the story. But he's just so pretty and he's only wearing a coat and so my imagination is highly active.

Falph Riennes shows up without a nose. Because everybody knows that the least intimidating body part on your face is the nose. And Voldemort is just so bad ass that he doesn't even need a nose. He's just like, "yeah, take that olfactory lobes, I don't need no stinking smells."

And Malfoy is an ass. I know, that's so OOC (I just learned that this means "out of character" and I love all your little acronyms because they are adorable and I feel compelled to use them at inappropriate times.)

Nasty dead, possibly invisible things are just chilling. And Neville looks confused even though he knows exactly what is going on. And Luna tries to tell Harry that he's not crazy, but really that just makes him more crazy.

Nobody likes Harry Potter. I'm sure there's a reason, but I am not going to pay attention/try to find out.

Snape's hair has gotten particularly more greasy since the last movie.

Umbridge is wearing a hat made out of flowers on her head. And she is wearing pink, which so not her color. I mean, that's a summer color, and she is so obviously a fall. She said something about something.

Meanwhile, teenage angst is being expressed in the form of unspecific glaring. And there is a magical British teenage boy fight in the common room. Caitlin's life is made. Again.

Harry Potter is clearly on acid and imagining giant weird rooms and being molested in his sleep by Voldemort (actually, it's Ron). Nothing has changed since last year.

Umbridge is a child molester who hates birds. PETA is not thrilled about this last part.

Umbridge: You don't need spells to defend yourself!

Ron: We're not going to use magic?

Umbridge: No! Theories are greater than reality! You're going to learn defense in a risk free environment!

Harry Potter: Why would you have to defend yourself if there is no risk?

The World: Did he just contribute to the plot? I…I…I can't process this information.

And then the world ended.

Except for that Harry Potter gets a detention for fighting Voldemort and because Cedric died. I get detentions for fighting reincarnated evil demon things all the time. Especially when they're magical British dudes in weird robes who go around killing people.

Clearly, Umbridge and the Minister of Magic are lovers. And Umbridge is a sadist. Like you know there are a bunch of whips and chains behind all those cat pictures.

And Harry Potter's emo because he cuts himself and is emo. I realize this sentence is repetitive, but instead of changing that, I figured I'd just keep talking and draw as much attention to my inability to type as possible.

The Weasley are selling diseases on the black market. They should be male prostitutes because they would make a billion dollars or galleons or whatever.

Caitlin: Kelsey, you are the Hermione to my Ron.

Kelsey: Awwwwwwwwww!

Mandatory bird montage. And pointless voiceover to Sirius. But we don't get to see Sirius so it's a huge disappointment.

Harry Potter goes and throws raw meat at invisible horses. Because he's Harry Potter and he can't contribute to life or anything.

Ron loves giant sausages. Have you ever had a shish-ka-bob of toast?

Umbridge: I am tolerant woman!

Caitlin: She's tolerant like I'm not a ho-ish magical pirate.

Umbridge pulls a Caitlin and sleeps with everyone in existence so that she basically gets to run Hogwarts. And Snipe is about 2.4 seconds from bludgeoning her shiny pink head with a cauldron. Or some other more humorous blunt object.

They're kicking Trelawney or whatever out, but they're not because Dumbledore is a pretty nice guy. And Umbridge is a bitch because she's wearing tweed with frayed edges. But ew.

Dumbledore: Lady, I'm God. You're gonna have to be okay with that.

Umbridge: Whatever.

Harry is super salty again because Dumbledore is just like "talk to the hand."

Foreshadowing! I don't know what for though.

Sirius is talking but I can't see him and that makes me so sad. It makes super salty. Like saltier than the ocean. Yeah.

Hermione is staring out of the window and obviously contemplating something important. IT'S A REVOLUTION!!!!!!!!!!!

Dumbledore's brother (and we have a really sweet voice for this guy, but you can't type it and it sounds basically like someone is strangling a chicken).

Spot the he-she in the Dumbledore's Army.

Hermione: So, um, I know you're all concerned about the extreme lack of sexual tension thus far in the movie. But just so you, after the crisis at the Icecapades last year, we've just been trying to cool it down until we make out at the most random and inappropriate time in the seventh book. Oh, and uh, Voldemort's back. You should probably know how to like not get killed. So we need a teacher.

The He-She: Harry?

Hermione: I was thinking Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

And then an owl flies through with a letter saying that Buffy the Vampire Slayer got canceled like four years ago.

Hermione: Well I guess Harry can do it then. Even though Ron and I basically did everything for him over the past five years. Actually, I did everything. But I guess the books are named after him so whatever. Harry can do it.

So all these kids are just hanging out in some abandoned bar in the middle of nowhere. In any other movie, some psycho with a chain saw would bust through and like kill everyone. And there would probably be less clothes on most of the chicks and it would be summer and everyone would be sweaty. The ho-bags would die first. Sorry Caitlin.

Caitlin: Hey now.

Everyone signs up for the Screw Yourself Over for Life Club.

Hermione: Look at me! I'm going to exert my right to assemble no matter what Umbridge says!

Ron: You are such a rebel! I can't wait until it's the seventh book and I can make out with you at a completely inopportune moment.

Hermione: Me neither!

Harry Potter attracts miserable, crazy people. Oh the hilarity!

Neville does things that are important and actually beneficial to the antagonists. What the hell does Harry do? Teach them how to pronounce "Expelliarmus"? Gee, thanks Scarface, thanks.

Nigel! (It sounds cooler when you say his name as slowly as possible with a slight British accent. Try it…it was fun, wasn't it?)

So, the Ministry keeps making rules and nailing them into a stone wall (which says very little about the stone). But the rules are written in like size 2 font so that no one can read them. And Harry Potter is apparently beginning to believe that he is relevant to the world or something because he keeps giving this pep talks that are basically straight out of _Remember the Titans_. These people are stupid because they congratulate Neville for learning a spell that he really should have figured out when they were eleven.

Cho sees a picture of her dead boyfriend and suddenly becomes infatuated with Harry Potter. This is both creepy and just freaking weird. And so they make out in front of the picture of her dead boyfriend.

Caitlin: (Death rays at Cho)

Ron cannot fathom how any one person can experience multiple emotions at once. And then they just start laughing at nothing whatsoever. They're so obviously high that it's just not funny.

(You need to imagine that Harry Potter is screaming. If you've ever seen that Family Guy episode where Stewie and Brian go to Amsterdam and get high, please imagine Harry as Stewie. And Ron is like Spicolli in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Hermione sounds like Robin Williams in Mrs. Doubtfire.)

Harry: OH MY GOD! RON! RON! RON! RON! OH MY GOD! RON! RON?

Ron: What? Giggle Tee-hee-hee-hee-hee.

Harry: RON! LOOK! LOOK! A…A…A SHOE!

Hermione: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ron: Tee-hee-hee-hee-hee! It has..it has, man, it has a shoelace, man!

Hermione: HAHAHAHA! Harry! Harry! Hey, Harry!

Harry: Yeah? HeeHee (like how Michael Jackson does those high-pitched squeals)

Hermione: Your shirt's on fire! HAHAHAHA!

Harry: HeeHeeHeeHeeHeeHee!

Ron: Tee-hee-hee-hee-hee!

And so Harry continues to do drugs and hallucinate.

Oh. And Mr. Weasley gets bitten by a snake. Harry learned this through one of his trips to happy land.

And now Harry Potter has to go take mind reading class with Snape. Because the only person who knows anything about mind reading is Snape. Not the mind-reading teacher, but the potions teachers.

So Snape about how Snape busts out this gigantic tool belt to "read Hurry's mind." If you are missing the sexual innuendo, it's probably because you don't know what sex is. Go ask your parents and come back. Like right now.

Snape: I will penetrate your…um…your…

Harry: …mind? That might work.

Snape: Yeah sure, let's go with that.

You know what else is weird about this scene? Besides the fact that Harry Potter is sweating profusely and that he is clearly fornicating with Snape? It's the part where there are sunlights in the dungeoun. I mean what the hell?

And then the way too epic music starts playing.

Harry Potter's "mind" is penetrated.

Snarry Fans Across the Globe: Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

And the only place to go after thinly veiled man-boy love is Christmas with the Weasleys.

Sirius is more or less the most gorgeous human being in existence. And he is wearing a purple velvet coat. Even Hugh Hefner is like "Man, that guy is ballin'."

And that mustache. Mmmmmmmm.

Harry Potter insists on speaking so that the camera cannot focus solely on Sirius. Even though nobody gives a crap what Harry-I'm-Completely-Useless-Potter has to say. We all just want to look at Sirius, who is beautiful and metaphorical.

Sirius: When all this is over, we'll be a proper family.

Caitlin: No you won't because you'll be dead!

Kelsey: Shut up! You can leave! All you've done is eat chicken and mock Sirius' death. You're as useful as Harry Potter during a really important plot point.

Something happens with Hagrid and Umbridge. But we fastforwarded through that.

Oh. My. God. Bealltrix Lestrange just licked her arm. Do you see how crazy she is? I mean, think of the sanitary conditions in that prison. Would honestly go around licking yourself? Ew.

Okay, so they blow this gigantic hole in the side of Azkaban and then all the psychos get to escape. But they're definitely still eighty feet off the ground in the middle of the ocean. I'm pretty sure the dementors probably could have stopped all these people from escaping. But hey, maybe they just didn't notice the giant, gapping hole. They don't even have eyes so who knows.

Seamus' great contribution to this movie: he argues with Harry Potter and then he apologizes to Harry Potter.

And Neville is angry about the fact that the lady who tortured his parents escaped from Azkaban. I mean, I guess I get that.

Caitlin: Why aren't the pictures moving?

Kelsey: Because they're dead.

There is a weird moment between Neville and Harry. If this was the fourth movie, it would be a major gay moment.

Random crash!

Luna: What was that?

Random Mexican: Drug bust! HIDE THE STASH! HIDE THE STASH!

So they flush all the crack down the drain and go have a meeting in Dumbledore's office.

As it turns out, Dumbledore has a giant drug ring operating across Magic Land. And Umbridge is jealous of the fact that Dumbledore is so much more awesome than she is.

Minister of Magic: You have to go to Azkaban now.

Dumbledore: Isn't there like a giant, gapping hole in that?

Minister of Magic: Well, yeah…but that's kind of the only prison we have.

Dumbledore: That was great planning.

Minister of Magic: Yeah.

Dumbledore: But, I have no intention of coming quietly.

Caitlin: Dumbledore definitely does not come quietly…wait…(proceeds to laugh about this stupid joke that only 12-year-olds will find funny for the next five consecutive minutes).

And with a clap of his hands, Dumbledore brings back the Y.M.C.A.

Mandatory African makes mandatory racial statement.

How have they nailed this many things into a STONE WALL?

Oh my god, Fred and George are GORGEOUS. I could basically write a story about how beautiful they are.

So there is a giant who basically looks like a booger and is in love with Hermione. Aren't we all, booger, aren't we all.

Snape and Harry Potter are continuing to supress their lust. And then Harry finds out that Snape was an emo kid and that his dad was a prick. The relationship is irreperably damaged after that.

Finally, England has started the 4th of July. Even though it's springtime and why would they celebrate a war they lost? And there is a giant clock that basically appeared out of nowhere (continuing with the trend of creating random parts of buildings).

You know, they've had to actually take tests like once in the whole time they've been here.

Harry Potter has obviously been given a roofie (probably by Snape…or Ron) and passes out. It's like those Lifetime movies where the girl gets drugged at some crazy party that her mom told her not to go to in the first place and then she passes out and gets raped. And then two weeks later, she's like "oh my god, I'm pregnant." Clearly, Harry Potter is a pregnant chick on Lifetime.

Harry: Sirius!

Kelsey: That's exactly what I was thinking.

Hermione: Harry, listen!

What? Is he just supposed to start doing that for the first time in the last five years? When has scarface ever listened to anyone? Like ever?

Harry: He's the only family I have left!

Hermione: Um…has anyone ever told you how the relation thing works. Like, you have to actually be related to them for them to be family. So…sorry. Unless your mom and your dad and Sirius had like a weird like free love kind of thing going on, you're definitely not related.

Harry: Do you want to have a wardrobe change and break into Umbridge's office?

Ron: Yeah, I have this insatiable desire to wear plaid.

Hermione: And I miss my vertical stripes.

So, since there's no more truth potion, Umbridge decides the best the alternative would be torture. Clearly.

Hermione: Tell her where it is Harry!

Harry: …tell her about what?

Hermione: You know, the thing at the place with that thing. That thing that you use to do that stuff.

Harry: Is this one of those situations where I'm supposed to lie but pretend like I know what you're talking about?

Hermione: …Yeah…

Harry: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Ron: Awkward!

Harry: Ummmmm….Hey Hermione?

Hermione: What Harry?

Harry: What should I say?

Hermione: Oh. My. God.

Harry: The catapulting teacups! THE CATAPULTING TEACUPS!

Everyone: What the hell?

Umbridge: Take me to them!

Hermionse: Seriously?

So, Hermione takes Umbridge to see that booger-looking thing. And because she has basically made booger into her slave, Hermione has booger eat Umbridge. And then Ginny is a ho and so (haha, that rhymes) she distracts everyone in the office and they somehow escape. And then Luna and Neville show up for no reason whatsoever and they all fly off into the sunset on the invisible, ugly horses. Because, you know, why not?

Kelsey: Why are they in the Ministry of Magic? How and/or when did that happen? How much did you fast forward?

Harry: Is this heaven?

Hermione: Is your heaven filled with shiny glass balls?

Harry: Yeah. What does your heaven look like?

Sirius is not there. This is a tragedy for more people than anything else in the history of the world. Take how sad Harry Potter is and multiply by 593223432 and that is how sad I am.

Okay, so I know Lucius is evil and everything, but he's kind of beautiful.

Neville: Bellatrix Lestrange! VENGEANCE WILL BE MINE!

Harry: Dude, chill.

Why is it, that out of all the spells they've ever learned, they basically only use Stupefy? Clearly magic school is a complete waste of time.

Ginny: Hey guys, I'm going to break every single piece of glass in this room now. 'Kay?

And so the whole room explodes and Harry Potter escapes. But he's so good that even when he gets away, he still gets all his friends captured by death eaters.

SIRIUS IS BACK! And he punches Lucius. HOT GUY FIGHT!

Basically, God is raining out of the sky in the form of the Order.

And so Sirius continues to be awesome until he gets hit in the face by that killing thing from Bitchface.

Bitchface: Killing Thing!

Sirius: I am slain!

Harry: What's going on? Shakespeare?

Sirius: Man, I hope somebody grabs me before I fall into this veil.

Harry: I like your jacket.

Sirius: Okay, not the time.

Harry: Man, this room is sort of weird.

Sirius: You know, this killing thing usually works like instantaneously. But I've definitely been hanging so that you would have ample time to come save me. So maybe if that hero complex could kick in like now, that would be great.

Harry: Huh?

Sirius: Wow. You are completely useless.

Sirius is now the most beautiful person displaced from a state of being in the whole veil-world place.

Harry: Whoa! Were did Sirius go?

Bitchface: I killed Sirius Black!

Harry: WHAT?!?!?!?!?! CRUCIO!!!!!!

God shows up to save Harry Potter's life. Because, as we've learned, Harry Potter is incapable of functioning as a human being. Escpecially a magic one.

Harry Potter is possessed by Voldemort. Or on acid. We can't tell because you basically act the same in either situation. And everyone is just standing there and staring at him.

ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE! ALL YOU NEED LOVE! ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE! LOVE! LOVE! AND ACID!

There's this really weird montage of Voldemort standing in front of the background from that Shakira video where she's crawling around in the mud. And I know you probably don't get that, but please try to imagine Voldemort with Shakira's hair, covered in mud and wearing really tight leather pants. It will be much more hilarious that way.

Fudge: He's back!

The Entire World: Oh. My. God. Face/palm

So as it turns out, the whole point of this movie was that the government was wrong.

Caitlin: Do Dumbledore and Harry have a poignant moment at the end of this?

Kelsey: I don't know, they usually have some weird gay moment.

Harry: It's my fault.

Dumbledore: No it's not.

Kelsey: Shut the hell up. It is too his fault. He sat there and watched him fall into the veil. Harry Potter is a piece of crap.

Luna: The things we lose have a way of coming back to us.

And so we all get that Sirius is kind of sort of coming back. But really, I just want to look at him some more.

In every movie, they wear their uniforms less and less. And they use way more metaphors and weird epic speeches.

Harry: We have something worth fighting for!

Okay, I'm pretty sure that Voldemort is fighting for world dominiation. And I'm sorry, but that would be pretty inspiring for me. Like if I ever thought, "what am I fighting for?" It would just be like, "oh yeah, world domination. Sweet."

END.

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**Disclaimer #2:** We have an obsessive disorder involving colons. So any colons are there for a reason and must remain there for a reason. Don't ask questions, you don't want to know. 

**Note:** Ok, so now that you've all read this you should go review or VENGEANCE WILL BE MINE!...OURS! Anyway, just do it. Now. Seriously.We're not kidding. For serious. For Sirius. DO IT!

S'il vous plait.


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